I <PECK> NJ: In Defense of my Bird Feeders’ Crabbiest Regular

What are the keys to an iconic diner?

-An astonishingly large menu

-A never-ending stream of coffee

-A flat top perfectly seasoned by an equally large amount of early morning and late night orders

-An understanding that your potato side deserves just as much love as your eggs

-A server who is probably stretched way too thin, but still manages to be friendly to the customers

-At least one regular who is a prickly sonuvabitch that you can’t help but love.

I don’t speak bird fluently yet, but I get the impression this is what he shrieks when he pops up at the feeder.

I try to run my bird feeders like a top tier diner, and while my menu is pathetically limited to suet, black oil sunflower seeds, and Wagner’s eastern regional blend; I’ve definitely secured a lovable sonuvabitch regular in my red-bellied woodpecker.

A European Starling & the Red-Bellied Woodpecker get in a Waffle House level brawl.

Every time I post an Instagram story of this ornery fellow sneak attacking starlings, bullying mourning doves, or fighting off sparrows like he’s Jet Li, I inevitably get flooded with DMs accusing him of being a “jerk” or asking “Who raised that woodpecker? Sheesh!”

Even when the woodpecker is surrounded, he won’t back down.

And sure I’ve had to cut down a couple trees  in our yard that were rendered Swiss cheese by a never-ending barrage of beak drilling, and sure I know that he’d probably peck out my eyes if I left the feeders empty too long, but despite all that I can’t help rooting for the old soul.

We’ve all been here mentally at some point

I don’t mind the mourning doves, but they do tend to linger at the table too long… plus they’re terrible tippers, and sometimes you just want to sit alone and quietly enjoy a meal without being bothered by any other flapping wings — or gums.

Can’t a bird enjoy the last morsel of suet in peace??

We all have moments where we’re so frustrated with life that we just want to bang our head against a tree. The woodpecker is the only one brave enough to actually do it… can you blame him if the resulting lifetime of concussions makes him a little skiddish?

My Song of the Day: Serve Somebody (feat. Antwaun Stanley) by Vulfpeck