I <Slide> NJ: My Top 5 Dad Tips for Avoiding Viral Infamy

The universe works in mysterious, mostly incomprehensible ways, but once in a blue moon if we stay on our intended path and pay close enough attention, we’re rewarded with a glimpse of a metaphorical bullet we’ve successfully dodged.

That happened to me last week when my feeds were flooded with the headlines about the Connecticut dad who got stuck in a tunnel slide:

Firefighters Get 'Unique' Call to Rescue 40-Year-Old Man Who Got Stuck in Children’s Tube Slide

‘Extreme discomfort’: Firefighters rescue man trapped in playground slide

Firefighters cut open playground slide to rescue 40-year-old man stuck inside

As I read numerous accounts of the incident and looked at the dozen photos released of the rescue by the Town of Vernon Fire Department, all I could think was, “There but for the grace of God, go I.”

A photo of the cargo short-wearing millennial father being rescued from his playground prison after a half hour.

The identity of the stuck slider has mercifully stayed anonymous, but I can only imagine how it feels to realize people all over the world know you were found "wedged feet and head first down the slide and stuck in the middle portion” for a half hour on a hot August evening.

Peer pressure can get the best of anyone, and when the peers we hang out with the most get 50% of their DNA from us and the other half from the person who knows our most embarrassing secrets, the ability to manipulate dads into life-or-death feats of strength reaches Jedi master levels of success.

A more successful trip down a tube slide.

At a busy playground, I’m now able to mostly avoid going down slides, climbing ladders, and crawling through tunnels, but if there aren’t any other kids around to distract her, Margo will inevitably convince me to leave the safety of earth and adventure to where the air is thinner, closer to the stars.

Didn’t get any sliding pics this past Saturday, but I did manage to document a quick game of Dunkin Donuts.

She even got me to slide with her as recently as Saturday, but I was able to avoid making national news thanks to the top five commandments in my playground playbook…

5 - Assess the moisture levels at the bottom of the slide before ascending to the summit.

When possible, bring an old towel to remove the water and dirt, but in a pinch your sleeve will do. You may think that brushing away morning dew with your arm is needlessly soiling your clothes, but you’re going to get filthy at the park one way or another, so might as well just embrace it. Better a soggy sleeve than giving playground bullies a target as juicy as a damp derrière.

4 - Beware Your Blind Spots

When climbing the playground structure, constantly monitor your blind spots for darting daughters or any Victorian ghost children who just appear out of nowhere. Margo knows her dad is part-Sasquatch and has already been tripped by my massive Hokas too many times. No reason to give her any more reasons to glare at me, plus the only thing worse than accidentally causing your own kid to face plant is sending some stranger’s child horizontal.

3 - Don’t Forget To Duck

Respect the cross bar support at the top of the slide. On my first day of second grade, I accidentally launched my head at full speed into the top of the slide frame as I tried to race down a chute. My loved ones are still dealing with the aftermath 30 years later. The openings at the top of slides weren’t designed for grown men and you’ll inevitably have to contort yourself before you reach full speed if you want to avoid a concussion similar to the one that took me out in 1994.

2 - Honor Thy Dad Pocket

I couldn’t help but notice that the victim in the Vernon Slide Calamity was wearing cargo shorts. A brilliant fashion move of course, but elite fathers know you can’t risk anything widening your frame in the tight confines of a children’s slide. Before letting gravity take over, move everything in your pants’ pockets to your dad pocket (A “dad pocket” is what Margo calls my button-up shirts’ breast pockets since none of the “Mom shirts” she’s seen have any of those.) There’s no risk of a dramatic jostling of your keys removing your ability to have children if your below-the-waist pockets are empty, and your aerodynamicity will improve significantly too.

Tara and I have climbed to the top of this tube slide countless times to encourage Margo to go down or bring her back to earth via ladder when she chickens out, but you’ll never catch us in the tube!

1 - If you’re old enough to drive, never go down a tunnel slide.

Leave it to those crazy youths to go totally tubular. Open air chutes let you feel the wind through your thinning hair and the sun burn on your skin, what more do you need?

Living by example with my top 5 slide commandments.

If you follow these five commandments, I guarantee your sliding won’t make international news, but that doesn’t mean you’ll make it home from the park unscathed. On Saturday after I went down the slides multiple times with Margo, underdogged her on the swings, and carried her on my shoulders two miles round-trip; she still had the audacity to lament that the back of my head got her shirt sweaty. It really makes me wonder what complaints the stuck slider’s wife and kids hit him with when he got home from the park… or maybe they just let this one slide?

Another recent slide adventure with Margo.

My Song of the Day: “Slide” by the Goo Goo Dolls

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